Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Living Like Nature: Just A SAD Rant

I am on a different wavelength these days, as my SADS kicks into high gear, and I find myself feeling at odds within myself. The last few years have really kicked my ass emotionally, and physically, what with the two major back surgeries I had, the changes those made in my life physically and financially, the effort my family has had to make to stay strong, be creative, supportive... it's been rough on my husband and daughter, and it's been hellish on me.

I find myself questioning many things in my life these days, and it's not surprising as the Christmas holidays usually bring out the worst in me. I do not like the holidays, what they represent, how I see the entire North American continent begin to spend more money, try to keep up with societal pressures, in order to create some picturesque holiday to share on social media via pictures and anecdotes. It's exhausting to me, as I just don't share those beliefs, ideals, or desires. I don't want to live in a world where we are all sinners supplecating ourselves to a higher power who judges us based on how like Him we are trying to be. And I don't want this post to come off as an insult to Christianity, god knows I am in no place to judge anyone. I like the idea of Jesus, he seems like the most loving and compassionate being this planet has ever known, and I would love to be like him, and see others being like him. But it's not who we are; people are just downright selfish in my estimation. It's human nature to be selfish, and I say this with complete honesty and as much humility as I can muster at 5:45am. We have survival instincts which drive us forward, and in order to survive we must navigate society in the "right" ways, in order to avoid alienation, disconnection, isolation etc.

But I think to the animal kingdom, and my heart aches, because I see very clearly in my own understanding where humanity went "wrong" so to speak along our own evolutionary path. If you can indulge me for a few moments, try to understand that I have utmost respect for nature, and as a basis of my spiritual beliefs, I think nature is the perfect mirror to creation or God as we can possibly get while living in a 3 dimensional reality. Nature doesn't try, nature simply is. And this is how we could or should be too, were we not so busy trying to be everything else.

I love the animals on this planet, and relate very closely to bears. Bears are relatively isolated creatures, who are fierce mothers, and yet when not nurturing young, they are lone, and wild, and follow their own instincts to survive every day. They spend half the year sluggish during the winter months, then spend six months trying to find enough food to fatten up in order to hibernate again during the following winter months. As a result, Bears live very much in the now - in the moment. Each day, whether nurturing cubs or not, bears simply wander their habitat looking for sustenance. In between feeding they nap, play, cavort, explore. And this is natural for them, they do not try to store food they cannot eat immediately; they eat what they can and move on. They roam the lands, following migratory patterns of prey, and following deeply ingrained instincts while they follow their own biological need to mate, feed, birth, and rest.

Man was once like this too, hundreds of thousands of years ago. We dwelt in small clans, moving around following migratory patterns of our own prey, and each day we spent surviving. There was no need to collect more food than we could eat that day, kill animals for any reason other than to eat. We did not try to dominate the land, but rather we lived within the parameters of our own ability to survive reasonably on a day to day basis. We lived in unity with nature as a result.

Now, we have fridges and freezers full of food we don't need right away, have cupboards full of food that is so chemically treated to keep it lasting long that we subject ourselves to physical illnesses, diseases, simply because it's "easier" to have these foods than get what we need on a daily basis. Our lives revolve around having more; more food, more money, more clothes, more luxury items, more play things... it's tiring. I'm tired of this game of "more" we are playing.

In my kitchen there are foods that provide zero nutritional properties. And we eat them because they are easy to prepare. And then we wash our hair and bodies in chemically treated animal tested items in order to have shinier hair, whiter teeth. Civilized humans are all but consumed by fitting in, making life easy, and living the "dream", but to me it is a nightmare.

I day dream about nature, the trees, plants, mosses and fungus, and I think how beautiful it would be to have that kind of faith; the faith that makes it possible to bloom and grow despite effort or desires. Nature doesn't contemplate how to grow quicker, or bigger, or how to have more nutrients by which to do so. Nature just blooms, grows, withers, and dies. And the cycle goes round and round, and it's all so very...organic.

I guess that is where I am right now; desiring a more organic life. I am overweight, diseased, disabled, and distraught, depressed, and downright dejected. I have all the modern comforts a person could ask for, a nice home, two cars, lots of food, games, toys, shiny trinkets and keep sakes. And yet something is sorely lacking from my life, an internal faith, that goes beyond spirit, god, or universe... a faith in my own biological nature. I have lost my ability to trust my own process of growth, blooming and blossoming, withering and dying...

Does this make sense to you? I do not feel in sync with nature, by virtue of my own ridiculous need to understand my nature. Human beings are prone to thinking, which can be downright problematic at times. I think back to my youth, hours spent sunbathing at the beach, never wondering how the sun may damage my skin, and it didn't. I'd swim after eating, never worrying about cramps, and they never happened. I would sleep a couple hours, get up and have a full day of activity, and never once felt spent. And this is how we are when we are young; we just follow our biology and don't question it, and therefore it doesn't deplete. Yet we get older and these things fall to the wayside as we learn about drudgery. And drudgery becomes the new natural order of things, which is so completely unnatural really. But we do it; we all do it, we grow up, get older, expect less, and become complacent. And soon we're middle aged, contemplating the things we did wrong, the things we wish we'd done differently, and wondering if we can do anything right before our little snippet of time here on this planet is done?

My journey of spiritual awakening and self-awareness has brought me to many beautiful epiphanies and moments of sublime understanding. And yet, at the vantage point from which I observe my life now, I can see far more damage which I've done to myself as a result of trying to better understand myself in relation to life, the Universe, and god. In trying to be a better person, I lost all those beautiful youthful complexities which made me a vibrant source of energy. I spend more time contemplating my behavior, and how I affect my surroundings than is healthy, and hold myself to higher expectations that I do anyone else. Why? Why should I expect myself to be any more enlightened, kinder, gentler, or smarter than any other human being? Because I've spent so many years learning about human nature, I should somehow be less inclined to exhibit it?

I'm tired. Tired of trying to be the bigger person, the better person, tired of trying to do "right" all the time. I just want to be. But when I give myself permission to simply be who I am, it seems someones toes get stepped on.

And it just brings me back to bears *gentle smile*. Bears don't worry about anyone, or anything, other than the simple moment they are living in. Just like every other living creature in the animal kingdom; the current moment is the only reality. Why have we as human beings tried to extricate ourselves from that very natural state of being, and spent lifetimes acquiring things, by which to feel secure by? Security is an illusion, one which the modern world is quickly waking up to, and people are beginning to really understand that freedom is something we do not truly afford one another, as we are all so busy trying to get our piece of the proverbial pie.

I know, this is a very cynical outlook, and yet I don't see it as simply as that; it is a natural outlook, nature isn't all warm and fluffy, in order to survive, other creatures must die, prey needs to feed predator, and that is the simplest fact of nature that there is. There is no matter of fairness in nature, in order to live, creatures must kill, and they don't waste time worrying about the inequity of it. They do what their biology urges them to do, just as they have for millions of years.

Yet I make a trip to the freezer for an ice cream bar and struggle with a two hour session of guilt over my inability to control my insatiable desire for junk food.

*sigh*

If you're still following me, I applaud you. This rant may indeed serve no point other than to allow me to vent my own frustration at myself, for being a human creature of insurmountable inconsistency and hypocrisy.

I sit on my recliner couch, using my laptop while my big screen tv is on mute, in my big comfy apartment, full of nice things, and feel myself brimming with unhappiness, which is just so childish really, and yet I can't get past the blues I feel, because a part of me is just so damned dissatisfied with who I am. Who I am is a human being, one who has spent a better part of a lifetime trying to be a "good" human being. And yet, at almost 43 years of age, I am no better at this than I ever was.

So I will keep looking to the animal kingdom for guidance. Until such a time as I can try to just accept myself as I am, I will maybe try to be more like a mother bear, and worry less about how I am affecting my surroundings, and just muddle on, day to day, need by need, hunger by hunger. Any less time spent contemplating my self, my thoughts, my motivation could surely be spent doing something more productive, like napping.



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