People Pleasing Spiritualists (Anonymous)

Some of us are just born this way, unable to change no matter how much we try to; a soft heart can not be hardened, nor can it be taken off the sleeve which wears it. And yet we can learn by our myriad experiences.

We are people pleasers, and there is no 12 step recovery group for that.

Why do we do it? What causes us to want to keep everyone around us accomodated and feeling good, no matter how poorly we end up feeling in the event of it?

Some would say it is a passive aggressive way of avoiding conflict. And sure, I am quite certain that for some of us that is exactly it. But for others of us it goes further than this; it is just an innate desire to see everyone content, relaxed, and at ease. So we will go out of our way to provide an atmosphere conducive to their happiness.

I have been doing this for as long as I can remember. I sincerely want people to be happy, and will often times find myself bending over backwards to make this happen. I've learned through the years that this propensity I have towards accomodating everyone makes me somewhat of an "easy mark"; some people spot a do-gooder from a mile away and see their opportunity to take advantage - to the hilt!

In most capacities in my life and experience my people pleasing tends to bear fruit; as I feel content knowing I've done all I can to help someone else achieve a state of receptivity and comfort. However, there will always be those occasions where we end up feeling used. And then we have to ask ourselves, as admitted people pleasers, can we really be surprised?

Though it can feel like a brand new shock every time it occurs, when it happens again and someone pushes too far, takes too much and makes you end up feeling drained and unvalued, you have to chalk it up to experience. And as a self-recognized pleaser you have to take full responsibility for the situation. The bottom line is, we are all fully aware as empathic people with a strong sensitivity to the feelings of others that from time to time we make door mats of ourselves. It is through no intent to be used, but when you offer yourself up to people freely, unabashedly and authentically, sometimes it's just going to go sour. Not everyone will be appreciative, and in fact it may cause people to become downright nasty. I find it ironic and extremely illuminating to have someone I have gone out of my way to help or accomodate turn around and bare their teeth at me, snarling and spitting venom. But it can only make perfect sense really; because in direct opposition of us people pleasers, are the people users.

People users are the ones who will take and take, and even when you have nothing left to give they will take some more. These are the personalities who may lavish you with validation and pat you on the head and say "oh thank you, you are so kind", and yet they can turn on a dime and lash out at you at the first chance they get. And this is simply because we've been too accomodating; too giving.

There has to be a limit to our self-sacrificing ways my friends. Yes, we are people pleasers, and perhaps that makes us the weaker of the species in some distinct ways.

You know that old proverb; you can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make him drink. Well, I have found through my own personal experience, and the experience of my friends and clients over the years, that it is those of us who really want the best for others, who can sometimes be somewhat pushy in insisting we know what that "best" is.

So it's important that we be pleasing for the right reasons in the first place. Giving has to come from a place of utter genuine fulfillment and joy; it can not be riddled in any way with a desire to be validated or recognized. We can not mistake our giving nature with becoming a martyr, because then the giving becomes lost in the mire of hidden agendas.

So give, and give freely of yourself. Give if it brings you joy and peace, goodness knows I know no other way. And I will not try to stop myself from being compassionate, empathic, caring and generous of spirit. However, I do learn from my previous experiences, and what I know right now in this moment is that it is wiser to really check myself before going "all in" with my people pleasing ways. If I look in my own heart and see that it is a pure desire to help then I'll follow my heart. But if there is even a hint of ulterior motive, on any level what so ever, then perhaps it's best for me to just reel it in and let the horse lead itself to water.

Part of our Spiritual Awakening journey changed profoundly in the last decade, as we found our Guides backing off somewhat, letting us stand on our own feet. They were there profoundly for twenty years, in constant contact, there whenever we needed assistance or support. And then, they took a few steps back, and said "No, child. You are able now, you have all you require within you."

We must now learn to follow the example our own Spiritual Guides have left us, and also step back. As people pleasers we are really only genuinely giving when we are helping another achieve the tools they need to help themselves.

This is a lesson which has been ongoing for me. It has been frustrating at times, humbling at others, and ultimately very beneficial. I have learned on a deeply personal level just how pure my heart can be at times. And I have also learned that sometimes my need to please others comes from a desire to help others avoid pain or conflict in their lives. And who am I to deny anyone else their own experiences?

Let's be honest, no one held our hands and walked us through the early days of the Awakening process; we jumped in with both feet - gladly - joyfully - and did not turn back. So now we have so much to share, so much to give, and it can be an ardent desire and fill us with glee to be able to share that, and yet let us make sure we're not denying anyone else the opportunity to jump in feet first themselves.

Awakening has been happening in waves, and yes there are still billions of people on this planet who have not yet begun to experience their own individual and personal illumination of spirit and self-awareness. Perhaps it isn't our soul responsibility to help them get from where we perceive them to be, to where we perceive ourselves to be.

I will always be a giver; it is just who I am. But I am dedicated to letting others do for themselves as well, even if it pains me to see them struggle, or flounder in confusion.

After all, did we not learn the most about ourselves through our own struggles and confusions?

Be the change you wish to see in the world, and yet lead by example, not by the hand.